Behold, the power of Dave.
I am fond of David Letterman. He reminds me of my father (coincidentally, also named David). Last night, Dave worked some magic and made me like Jonathon Papelbon. I know, I know, I feel a bit dirty just saying that. But the boy was Southern, charming, funny and one could tell he was a closer. How? Cause he seems a bit insane, which is the mark of many an excellent closer. Papelbon riverdanced, talked pitching, imitated Papi ("somesing"), said "motherfucker"on national TV and made Dave giggle.
Letterman: "Nice to see you, thank you very much. I gotta say, I've never seen you pitch in person, but, boy, on television, very impressive piece of work."
Papelbon: "Thank you."
Letterman: "Really nice job." (audience applause) "Take me through the repertoire, what do you have? You've got the fastball."
Papelbon: "Well, I've got the fastball."
Letterman: "Where do you like the fastball, what speed, 95, 98, right in there?"
Papelbon: "95-plus usually works." (audience laughs)
Letterman: "Mm-hmm, all right, okay, the fastball, and you throw that most of the time, is that
Papelbon: "Most of the time, right."
Letterman: "What's your other pitches?"
Papelbon: "Well, I've got the splitter and now I'm working on a, kind of a slider/cutter in between."
Letterman: "Slider/cutter – ooh, is that legal?"
Papelbon: "No, not yet." (Dave, audience laugh)
Letterman: "Now the splitter is the split-fingered fastball?"
Papelbon: "Correct, yeah."
Letterman: "Now this one moves around, is that right?"
Papelbon: "Well, it just drops. It's kind of like a change-up, but a little bit harder."
Letterman: "And how is that different than a curveball then?"
Papelbon: "Well, a curveball is a downbreaker."
Letterman: "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." (Dave, audience laugh)
Papelbon: "Now, we've got a heater that's an upbreaker, okay, and then now the split's kind of a side downbreaker."
Letterman: "Have you ever hit against anybody who throws as hard as you throw?"
Papelbon: "Uh, no, I didn't. I was in the hole in the World Series – ‘in the hole' means you're not
on deck, next person."
Letterman: "Ready to come up, so you might have had an at-bat."
Papelbon: "Yeah, yeah, but, you know, probably was gonna go deep, so." (Dave, audience
Letterman: (laughing) "You were probably going to go deep, that's what it looked like to you." (Dave, audience laugh)
Papelbon: "Yeah, but the game – but I had to go pitch."
Papelbon: "Well, you got to, man, because, you know, you've got to let them know who's boss out there, and them guys, they'll dig in on you, man, you've got to get them heaters in, so."
Letterman: "And then afterwards, is it, ‘Yeah, take that sissy.'"
Papelbon: (laughing) "I don't know if I'll use the word sissy. Um, I might use another word." (Dave, audience laugh)
Hey, Jonny boy, remember on September 20th, when you came roaring out of the pen at the Dome and faced Russ Adams, who ran the count 3-0, took two strikes, running the count full, and deposited one of your nasty pitches down the right field line and over the fence for a grand slam. Yeah, take that sissy. Or, you know, another word.
Now I am cleansed.